Things I Should Have Said by Jamie Lynn Spears

Author:Jamie Lynn Spears [Jamie Lynn Spears]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Worthy
Published: 2022-01-18T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 7

A Butterfly Gets Her Wings

Two years passed since I’d announced to the world I was pregnant. During that time, I had cocooned myself to nurture my now thriving daughter. We had spent a little over a year in Liberty, Mississippi, where I figured out how to be the mom my daughter needed me to be. But I was determined that Maddie didn’t pay for my mistakes simply because I was young. I needed to break the cycle of mistrust, stress, and reconciliation. Casper’s lifestyle sabotaged his ability to be a proper father to our daughter. Once we left Liberty, Casper’s relationship with Maddie started to unravel. I tried to pull myself together and get on with life, but it wasn’t easy for me. Panic started to set in as I realized I was a single mom, wholly responsible for my daughter’s well-being. I went through an unsettling time of profound sadness that often left me listless and unmotivated. My own world had imploded, but Maddie’s was just beginning to open up. Her health and happiness flourished, despite my own dismay. The mother in me took over, and I dedicated what energy I had to being the best caregiver for my daughter. I spent months in an introspective state, working through the emotional chaos of the previous years.

Learning to trust was the cornerstone of my metamorphosis. I had to learn to depend upon not just my intellect, but my instincts as well. Sometimes what appears good for us doesn’t feel right. With the help of family and positive people in my life, I started to establish guidelines on how to trust others and be confident in my decisions. The complexities of being a child living as an adult exacerbated my anxieties to the point where instead of making difficult decisions, I made none at all. Both Maddie and I suffered for that. I also needed to own up to my role in the failure of my relationship with Casper. Although my naivety and youth had worked against us, I realized that holding him accountable for his behaviors, and subsequently my own, was important. I had only started to understand who I was, and even at eighteen, I had a long way to go to becoming a woman.

Being Maddie’s mom and caring for her added a fullness to my life and, in turn, gave it new meaning. But there were many days she was the singular reason I got out of bed. I was relentless in keeping my shit together for her. The smile I used to wear for others was replaced by the one I wore only for Maddie. We laid low for a time to avoid the press, and I instituted an elaborate schedule to ensure that every one of Maddie’s needs were met. I kept calendars and knew when everything had to be done. At the time, I was a self-diagnosed obsessive-compulsive. I never considered it a disorder because the manifestations of it made my life better and Maddie benefited from it too.

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